How Do You Say, “Love Me”?

Scott and Cindy

(If you are viewing this blog via e-mail, go to SCOTT’S BLOG for a cleaner copy and more complete information).

Have you ever felt like you and your spouse were “passing each other in the night”?   If so, you’re not alone.

This was exactly what was happening to Harry & Sally (changed names, true story). 

You see, Harry & Sally were married for a little over a year when they began having that “passing each other in the night” kind of feeling.  And, it didn’t go away until one day they took a test and had one of those “Ah-hah” moments.  You know, one of those moments when the fog lifts and the issue becomes crystal clear.

What Harry & Sally realized was that there was a very GOOD reason why they were “passing each other in the night”.  The test they took was one that involved ranking their “love languages”.   What they discovered shocked them.  You see, Harry scored really high on “touch”, but really low on “encouraging words”.  Sally, on the other hand, scored really high on “encouraging words”, and really low on “touch”.

This was a real problem.   Why?   Because we tend to love each other the way WE want to be loved.  So, Harry was loving Sally with “touch” (which she didn’t appreciate!), and Sally was loving Harry with “encouraging words” (and he really did not care!). 

So, they really were “ships passing in the night”. 

But that all changed after they took the test.   Sally, knowing that Harry loved “touch”, began to read books on physical intimacy and a man’s need in that area.  And Harry, knowing that Sally loved “encouraging words”, began showering her with praise every day (it was actually on a list on the refrigerator for many years to remind him to do it daily). 

Now, instead of “ships passing in the night”, they are more like a bow and violin making beautiful music together.

How about you?  Do you know what your love language is?  According to some writers, there are five different types of love languages (touch, quality time, encouraging words, gift giving, and acts of service). 

If you aren’t sure what your love language is, you can take a free online test to find out.  You will find the test online at  Click here (or put this website into your browser) and answer INDIVIDUALLY the 30 questions they give you (it takes about 10 minutes to do).  Then, the website will give you your answers and give you a brief explanation of each love language.

It’s fun ~ AND you actually might just have one those “Ah-hah” moments that could change the trajectory of your relationship forever.  Why settle for “ships passing in the night” when you can make beautiful music together? 

If you really want to get into it, you can learn more about love languages by reading a book by the website’s author, Gary Chapman, called The Five Love Languages.

If you need help making sense of what your test results mean, e-mail me at  I have plenty of suggestions for ways that people can speak each other’s love language.

(Below, if you are on my BLOG SITE, you can rate this blog, share this blog on your Facebook,  e-mail this blog to your spouse or one of your friends, select “like”, leave a public comment [look for the small print below, “Leave a comment“], or e-mail me privately at  You can also see our website at www.MarriageMechanic.ORG or sign up to receive this blog on the upper right hand corner of this page).

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4 Responses to How Do You Say, “Love Me”?

  1. John says:

    Hi Scott, good stuff, it really is important to speak to my spouse in her preferred method of communication. As an addition to this (something you might address at a later date) I was thinking about it just this morning how even when I do speak to my wife in her love-language that she is not receptive if there are unresolved issues between us. It is almost like there is a bypass-valve in her brain that will not allow her to receive my communications of love (even in her love-language) when we have issues that have not been addressed. It is only after these issues have been properly addressed and a plan for resolution has been adopted (emphasize the plan) that hope to improvement is restored and she again hears my communications in her love-language.

    • Dear John,
      GREAT INSIGHT !! I think you’re absolutely right and something I will make a point to address in the very near future. I have found that (typically) guys are usually very quick to “move on” when there are resolution issues (they just desire peace), while women tend to need real resolution of those nagging issues. So, yes, thank you for making that point. Look for my response to that in a blog probably next week (Thursday is devoted to a Thanksgiving thought).

  2. Shar Pec says:

    Bow and violin. Making beautiful music together……all to the glory of God. Made me smile.

    • Dear Shar Pec,

      Thank you for your comment. I must admit it — but the “bow and violin” was my wife’s idea (she adds the eloquent touch to my blogs!). Anyhow, in a broader sense, I really do believe that our Christian marriages are to bring God glory as a symbolic representation of God’s love for the church (and the church’s love response back). More about that in a later blog.
      Thanks, again, for the comment. I am pleased the blog made you smile ! We need just a little more that these days.

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