Know Your Needs ~ Love Languages

Scott and Cindy

Well, as I mentioned in my last blog, we are going to embark on a new adventure this year in systematically going through a four-step process of helping you get to The Marriage of Your Dreams.

In this first section (that will take a month or more to complete), I want to help you create a list of needs/desires that would thrill you if your spouse were to meet them.

To start and to ensure we are all on the same page as we begin, we need to backtrack to something fun I’ve talked about before — Love Languages.   Below, I am reprinting something I’ve written before (and added some to it) in the hopes that you will take the online test that is given if you haven’t already.  And, please remember that your love language can change over time.  So, it may be time to take the test again, even if you have taken it before.

Have you ever felt like you and your spouse were “passing each other in the night”?   If so, you’re not alone.

This was exactly what was happening to Harry & Sally (changed names, true story).

You see, Harry & Sally were married for a little over a year when they began having that “passing each other in the night” kind of feeling.  And, it didn’t go away until one day they took a test and had one of those “Ah-hah” moments.  You know, one of those moments when the fog lifts and the issue becomes crystal clear.

What Harry & Sally realized was that there was a very GOOD reason why they were “passing each other in the night”.  The test they took was one that involved ranking their “love languages”.   What they discovered shocked them.  You see, Harry scored really high on “touch”, but really low on “encouraging words”.  Sally, on the other hand, scored really high on “encouraging words”, and really low on “touch”.

This was a real problem.   Why?   Because we tend to love each other the way WE want to be loved.  So, Harry was loving Sally with “touch” (which she didn’t appreciate!), and Sally was loving Harry with “encouraging words” (and he really did not care!).

So, they really were “ships passing in the night”.

But that all changed after they took the test.   Sally, knowing that Harry loved “touch”, began to read books on physical intimacy and a man’s need in that area.  And Harry, knowing that Sally loved “encouraging words”, began showering her with praise every day (it was actually on a list on the refrigerator for many years to remind him to do it daily).

Now, instead of “ships passing in the night”, they are more like a bow and violin making beautiful music together.

How about you?  Do you know what your love language is?  According to some writers, there are five different types of love languages (touch, quality time, encouraging words, gift giving, and acts of service).

If you aren’t sure what your love language is, you can take a free online test to find out.  You will find the test online at  Click here (or put this website into your browser) and answer INDIVIDUALLY the 30 questions they give you (it takes about 10 minutes to do).  Then, the website will give you your answers and give you a brief explanation of your top love language.  By the way, this website is the official website of the author, Gary Chapman, who wrote the book on love languages!

Oh, and something fun to do as well to get your spouse involved.   Once you’ve taken the test, go back and do it again — only, this time, answer the questions AS IF your spouse were answering them.  See if you can guess what they would say.   Now, if your spouse is not currently reading along with us, send them this blog and ask them to take the test (both for them AND also as if they are doing one of you).   Then, compare your answers and see how close you got to getting your spouse right !

It’s fun ~ AND you actually might just have one those “Ah-hah” moments that could change the trajectory of your relationship forever.  Why settle for “ships passing in the night” when you can make beautiful music together?

If you need help making sense of what your test results mean, e-mail me at  I have plenty of suggestions for ways that people can speak each other’s love language.

Look for my next blog on Thursday on the importance of knowing your love language.

PS.  We love feedback.  You can easily offer your thoughts by clicking the “Comment” button below.  In addition, if you are at my BLOG SITE, you can share this blog on your Facebook or e-mail it to someone.  Visit our website at www.MarriageMechanic.ORG.

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This entry was posted in Love Languages, Needs in a Marriage and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Know Your Needs ~ Love Languages

  1. Pingback: Fathering in a “Haven” | The Marriage Mechanic – Scott R. Minnich

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